Begin again and again and again

So September has come, it has become cooler due to constant rains. With September starts a new year for singing.

I am still reeling from an examination that completely bombed. I barely passed with a 60/100. Seeing that mark devastated, again I went spiraling down in a pit of self-pity and self-deprecation. I even thought briefly of giving up this whole deal and just crawl away into anonymity once more.

Part of me still does, I'm at this point where I feel like I'm not even getting anything anymore again.

I tell myself that it's a learning process that I would not run. Running is no longer an option. I am not a child anymore, I will face my demons and grow up.

So I didn't do so well this time, I had the worst surprise in the choice for the examiner. Times like these I wish my memory was much worse than it is. It wasn't that she was mean or anything, she was nice and tried to be helpful, but I had a lot of resentment already pent up from what had happened in the past. My examiner was my first vocal teacher and I still had lessons left to do and I showed up for my lesson and was sitting in the hallway, waiting for my lesson. No one came. I ended up going to the student services desk to ask where my teacher was. They looked at me in surprise, as if I didn't know, and said she had quit. I had made the trip all the way to the Conservatory's temporary location up at Bloor and Dufferin, waited all this time, and I never was informed of this. I got my money back for my lessons that I didn't get, but it was more of the principle of the matter.

*sighs* I should get over it.

Time to move on, and begin again, again and again.

Old Habits Die Hard

So in just over a week I will be taking my Grade 6 Voice exam for the RCM. FUN TIMES! I don't test well, or at least I never used to. RCM songs are hard for me as I have to sing in a lower range than I am comfortable, c'est la vie. The life of an artist, sometimes you don't get to do the things you want in order to achieve something, sometimes we must fulfill the standards of others.

At my worst I will pass, I will do extremely well by some sort of divine intervention of luck! I know me, I know me very well. I tend to freak out! I mean as in if I can perform the song very well normally my body will attempt to destroy it through sheer force of nerves. BAH!

Plus a bunch of other things running through my head that just won't turn off!! I am my own worst enemy.

Oh the body...

I'm becoming less and less steady in my posts here. Sometimes it's hard to do when no one seems to pay attention. Mind you, reading about my journey down this road is not the most thrilling read every. But enough of the mindless banter, onwards we say!

I haven't practiced much this week, due to an ailing body. If I wasn't who I was or what I am, this would not be a problem. But sometimes the body refuses to do what it must. So I really felt the lack of practice this week. My body is still a little shifty, and off. The sugar-y things that I had eaten are coming back to haunt me. It's annoying. I am a fairly healthy person, just I love the sugared items available to me. I won't lie I could do with more of the fruits and veggies for my sugar fix. In fact right about now, I'm craving a more balanced diet.

It's amazing that the body knows exactly what it needs and isn't afraid to tell us. We just need to be listening to it more.

Taking stock

It's amazing what taking a chance can bring about. Maybe it's a chance to show off, to say look what I did, or maybe it's a chance to say wow. I can really say that performing at the Kiwanis Music festival did give me something. It gave me an idea that maybe I can do this crazy adventure. Suffering from extreme anxiety over any sort of personal interaction, be it performing or just talking to strangers, this was a large and monumental step. It is even having an effect of my practicing, I find myself going from approaching songs with more confidence, I may not be completely comfortable singing in front of people, but baby steps, my friend, baby steps.

I'm enjoying the process, but still wonder what the end result will truly be.

So it's been awhile

I didn't want to jinx my performance. I didn't want to fill my head with the doubts I knew that I would fill. So I performed. I didn't do great, because I know I can do better. But when I'm nervous I tend to forget to breathe and the like. Also had to contend with a sprained shoulder that limits my movements.

I got a 78 in my first class with the Opera, I was just glad I didn't collapse. I got a 75 in my second class, which part of me doesn't think was totally fair because I think I did better than that, but whatever. All in all it was a good experience for me. There were really good singers, and I held my own. I didn't back down, I didn't cringe, I just did the best I could with what I was given. I look forward to doing things like this again, to broaden my scope, to gain more experience.

I find I'm treating my performances like I did my orientations with work. The more I did them, the more comfortable I was doing them. So I have to keep doing this, putting myself out there. Not giving up. That's what I'm taking from this.

less than 2 weeks

And I will be at the Kiwanis festival hopefully not making a total fool of myself. Now enters myself saying that is not a good way to go at it, but I do think this way consistently.

My lesson on Wednesday consisted of me trying to sing without the help of my book...I'm not confident yet on my second Italian piece, but my first one and my opera song is going fairly well.

Not much is going on, I need to phone the accompianist, but other than that blah week.

Some days

Some days are bad where I just want to throw in the towel and say to hell with it.

Then there are the days when things go well and you think, "yeah, I can do this!"

That was yesterday at my lesson, true there are still things to work on, to polish up here and there, but it's easier when I know how to fix it, or to remind myself what not to do when things do go horribly wrong.

Just must remember to relax.

3 more week til the festival!

Must learn...

Open mouth more when singing. I don't seem to like dropping my jaw much and my mouth doesn't really seem to move. It's annoying for me when my body doesn't comply with what it's supposed to be doing. It's frustrating because this could hold me back in terms of learning. Probably more frustrating though. I wish that I could just magically do what I'm supposed to do, but in my experience that never works. Which is probably why I give up doing these things. I don't know I'm not in the greatest of places right now. My head hurts, hate office work, I kind of wish I was back to my insane theatre schedule. I'm just really down in the dumps right now and it's affecting everything in my life. It's dumb and all that stuff.

Updating...I suppose

I'm terrible when it comes down to getting to the nitty gritty stuff. I should practice more, I should keep this update more. I should, should, should. It's sad that I don't want to do this more, but I'm so tired most nights now. Right now they have me working out of an office 5 days a week and I'm missing the hustle and bustle of theatre life. But this is a place for my musical ambitions to be tracked so let's get down to it.

My songs are getting there, again my body is finding it easier to find its placement, it's settling, but it's lazy and wants to go right back to what it was doing. Must fight the bad evil habits! I shall succeed.

My teacher put a neat idea before me which I hope comes through. There is a group piano class and that teacher is looking for someone who can sing Arias, Opera, and Musical Theatre, go me!! It'd be a great opportunity for me because I don't have access to a piano, and it'll get me used to singing with a piano, it's a win-win situation, at least I hope it is.

Other than that my week is pretty same old same old, looking towards February with mild anticipation, but we shall take it as it comes.

Wednesday = Lesson day

So if you haven't gleaned from my mostly weekly posts. I usually update this after I've had a lesson. Or at lease try to. If I remember then GO ME! but I do have a child's view of getting things done - it shall do itself. Riiight.

So today's lesson going over more of the songs that I am going to sing at the Kiwanis Music Festival in February. I am getting more and more comfortable about singing them per se. Now I shall say things that may subconsciously psych me out, but here goes. I'm fine practicing, learning and all that, but as soon as I step on the stage I tend to clam up. I know I'm hard on myself and I try to talk myself down from the ledge, but that's the thing, my brain is louder than anything. It doesn't go anywhere either. It's the monkey on my back so to speak.

In other news, my teacher is starting to feel that my voice is getting to big for my Opera piece. Which is exciting and disturbing. I mean I want to do well, but I guess if they mention it (they being the adjudicators) then it's not completely a bad thing, just means I can do more than it was thought at the time of registration. Right??

Well I suppose that all I can think of writing. Ciao Belli

Dreams

How do we put into words what we truly desire. That we wish to reach out beyond the heavens and pluck the sparkling stars and hold them close to our hearts. Never let them go and dream of a place higher and greater than where we are now.

I keep telling myself or better yet asking myself why do the things I do? What is the point of it all? Sometimes we have a tendency of seeing something we want and just striving for it, forgetting the joy that it brings us, the joy that it brings others. We forget how it makes us feel to be in the moment. That one shining moment where everything just melts away, the outside world, the cares and troubles of the universe cannot touch you because you are experiencing something far greater than them.

I want to capture that moment and bottle it up, so that when I forget about it then it's there to remind me that it does exist. But alas I cannot. Those moments come far and few between. They come when I am holding my boyfriend, when we're just cuddling, every time I just get to do that the world is just good, that I'm where I'm supposed to be. It also happens when I just get lost in the song. I can be playing or listening or singing, if I just let go and lose myself in the music then I am in that moment.

This the ultimate lesson that I feel I need to learn, to let go of everything and just get lost in the moment because life's too short to worry about the whole world.

Happy New Year!

Thus is the attitude that I am undertaking in order to move on. This year promises to be great. More performances, more support from the ones that I love. What more can a person ask for? New beginnings are in the making as I am starting at a new location job-wise, I have a great many things to look forward to.

At my lesson yesterday I had a discussion with my teacher about what happened during my performance the month before, my insecurities as a performer, what things are coming on the horizon.

Yes I am looking forward to this new year.