It's nearly 2 AM

And I hate my brain. I need to rant...

I finally got my mark back from my exam, and I got 60 (bare minimum to pass) - AGAIN! Last year I understood. This year I don't get it.

I worked so hard, yes, I didn't practice vocally every day but everything went on in my head when I couldn't. I would go around singing the songs in my head. Yes, my ear training requirement went kaput but my Vocalises were not that bad, not failing bad.

I want to scream at them, what do you want from me? I'm giving you all I have and you're saying it's not good enough.

I'm upset with this, part of me thinks it's not fair. I see people get built up that don't need it, they seem to have it all. They talk about how hard it was to get there, I want to shout me too, but I'll never be there.

Every time I feel like I move forward it's like I get tugged right back down. It's as if I don't deserve this, and it hurts. I hate the hurt, I want to run away from it. Unfortunately, running hurts more.

So for now I will dwell, and cry, and be angry, and then tomorrow I will come home from my half day of work and just go right back to my keyboard plunking out notes and trying to sing. Because that's all I can ever do I suppose.

When I say comment...

...on another's singing, usually of the younger sort, I'm afraid I may seem snooty or bitter. Or maybe even both. I don't mean to, but let's face it there is a lot of things that go wrong when youngsters pick up singing. I don't mean that they shouldn't ever, in fact have them do choir (bonus for socialization and it can be loads of fun). But there shouldn't be an expectation that they are this fantastic singer that will one be even better when an adult. Especially forcing them to be a soprano voice.

I'm 28, by the end of the year I will be 29. I didn't start learning to use my voice to hit these crazy Soprano land notes until I was 25 (probably even could argue 27). I was shocked that I was considered a Soprano voice. I thought I was an alto, maybe even a mezzo (once I learned what Mezzo meant). It takes a lot of work and a lot of practicing to even hit a high A/B and even more slipping and holding my abdomen for extra support to crank out a C6 (that's 2 above a middle C). I could not do that when I was 10.

Then people rave about a 10 year old who can passably sing "O Mio Babbino Caro" and I cringe. I want to yell, she is NOT THAT GOOD! She's pitchy and she sings with her throat not her body and head. She doesn't pronounce her words you have no clue what she's singing. It's a lovely sound, but if I say it could be better, I feel like I'm telling the world that the kid sucks.

Earlier this year, something similar occurred. There were these young girls singing, true, they were singing more popular songs, but I will now maintain that I'm glad I went and learned to be trained classically. There are things you learn that singing pop tunes will never give you. In fact it will give your voice a chance to live longer. Most pop singers barely have careers longer than 10-20 years or beyond the age of 30/35. Classical singers can have a career well into their 60s. So when I asked others what they thought of the three singers they all smile and said that they were good. I looked at them and said really? Give me 30 minutes with them and I can have them singing even better. I got looks, and I felt only slightly bitter and snooty.

I not cocky, nor do I think my voice is stellar. In fact I cringe when I record myself and listen to it later. Sort of when you listen to a recording of yourself and you wrinkle your nose and question if that's really your voice. People have to tell my voice is great, and they do, in fact back when I was first learning to sing, my dad said "Can I be honest?" (he always asks this now, back from the days that I was far too sensitive) "You will never have a career as a pop singer, *pause* But you could have one as a classical singer" Over the years since then, I've worked on the skills that I need, the things that I need to work on, and I've developed a rich, mature sound that is at home in a woman 30 years older. But these things I have taken away to apply to my own voice, I now listen to in other voices.

I think everyone can sing. If you can talk, you can sing. But I do wish listeners would mind their praises. Not everyone can sing opera, just not everyone can perform surgery. It takes more training and preparation than a 10 year old has done. And no, I'm not bitter at all.

Emotions and singing

There are a great many things I do that I do not understand. Artistic endeavors is not one of those things. I enjoy participating in the arts because it gives me a chance to express something that I don't express well with words. My emotions have always been a source of frustration for not only me, but those around me. I cannot put into words what I feel most times because at any time I view two sides to my emotional outbursts: I may know I feel sad, but I don't always understand why I feel sad because I know there is no reason to be sad. Add on, the emotional atmosphere in a given area can also have a large effect on my emotional reaction (yay Empathy!), and we've a got ourselves a recipe for probably the most sensitive person.

Most of my artistic endeavors have fallen by the wayside. It's not that I have stopped feeling most of the emotions that pass through me, but rather I believe it's because I sing.

Out of the over half dozen instruments that I have played throughout my life, singing has been my favourite. Not just for the ease with which my instrument can travel (which is awesome, it's with me ALL THE TIME!), but rather that I am actually part of the music. I may not be the young maiden who is waiting for her love to return home from working along the Rhine, the longing and anticipation of a joyous reunion, but I can put myself in her shoes. Singing allows my empathy to be exercised and controlled. Singing allows me to feel without having to give an explanation, it's a medium where it's expected. Singing allows me to tap into the wealth of emotions that I carry with me in my very essence.

I may not be able to act, but I can definitely empathise. Which may in turn help me act somewhere down the line. Maybe if one day in the near future I get lucky and I can actually perform an Opera. Hey, it could happen, then I can allow the world to understand the emotion I feel.