Vacation?

So I sit and ponder the grande scheme of things. I finally watched my little video of my performance, and while I cringe at it, it's still an experience. I can either run away from it or because why else would I be doing this if I ran away, I can learn from it and keep going. This is how I am. I am overly critical of myself, I know this. I want things to be perfect, but life is an imperfect creation, more importantly life is what we create of it. I'm hoping that all my problems with regards to performing can be erased like when I used to train people and had to keep their attention for 8 hours. I used to be nervous and scared then too, but I did it so often that I forgot to be scared. So that is what I will do, take each performance no matter how good or bad and keep doing it until I no longer shake the second I stand on stage. That is my only solution.

Lessons...

Tonight I had my recital. I am not happy with myself about it. The sad thing is it isn't something to be upset about, but I am. I am making my way through my second and last song when my voice cracked, as in my note just ripped apart and just it was humiliating and humbling and upsetting to me. I, who when I played the violin, didn't squeaked. My voice cracked, my very own instrument. My family and my partner that was there were really supportive and tried to assure me that it wasn't that bad, but I was in virtual tears and I tried to push it from my mind. They said that I handled it well but I won't know until I get the courage to look at the recording of it. I want to put it off. But we can't stop the storms nor can we stop the truth when the truth comes out. Maybe tomorrow I shall have the courage...in the morning, or afternoon...

What I will be doing tomorrow night

First performance of this "year." I feel only slightly nervous about it. But not as much as usual. I feel a little under the weather, though I shall not let them know. That's the key. Don't let them know when you're down, nor when you mess up. More often than not they won't notice. But the perfectionist in me may not relent and I will give some small sign. This is the lessons we must master if we want this to go somewhere, no?

Thus the end of a semester.

So to speak it is a semester I get two weeks off from lessons, with only a recital on Tuesday to say good bye to 2009.

I am getting better, just need to practice more.

PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE!

It may not be perfect, but it will make it better.

Or at least I hope it will.  I can feel so tired lately, I hope that I am not getting sick.

Oh well hopefully Tuesday will go well.

Different schedules require a lot of brain power.

My schedule is not so different as the fact that I did not wake up next to my partner for the first time on a wednesday in a while.  So I woke up at 12:30p thinking that it was just another day.  I hunkered down to watch some television when I decided to think "What day is it today?"  "Oh shit!"  was my reply as I hurried to get ready for my lesson that occurs every Wednesday at 1:30p.  Lucky for me that it only takes 30 minutes to walk there, but it had snowed last night, and it was raining when I left.  But I made it.

Fortunately I was not the only person to forget what day it was.  My lesson was interrupted by my partner phoning me, despite me hitting ignore (not willingly, but necessarily).  Oh the days when it was easy to know when and where we were.  

The lesson went well despite the whole forgetting the lesson I did have.  Still need to learn to just sing, not think about singing.  I love singing, but the hardest thing for me to do is turn off my brain.  I used to be an insomniac, ever since I started seeing my partner, sleep is easier, but there are times when I can just hear the whirr of my brain starting to kick in.  It's frustrating because most of my problems stem from my brain not being able to shut off.  I over think things, even the things that are second nature to me.  Oh well the journey continues to go on, I hope that there is no end to it.

Yesterday was another day

So had a lesson yesterday, it went a lot better than usual, still learning how to settle my body so that the sound I produce is natural and not forced.  It's like any work of art, it's always a work in progress.  But it was interesting because my lesson sounded better to me than my practicing has.  I wish I could always sound good, but it takes practice and awareness of what my body is doing that I don't always have.

Before every lesson for the past few months, while I'm waiting for the door to open to usher me into the lesson, I sit outside and I listen.  I really enjoy taking lessons at the Conservatory as I am constantly bombarded with sounds.  Some are pleasant and some not so, I constantly hear an off tune violin which leads me to believe that even the most trained musician forgets that their instrument needs to be tuned.  But there is one sound that is extremely pleasing and humbling at the same time.  There is a woman who takes lessons just a few doors away from me and she's a singer as well.  But her voice is unlike my own barely trained voice, it is beautiful, rich, and very, very good.  This voice is able to pass through doors and walls in the sound controlled hallways of the conservatory.  So my teacher and I always comment on it and how we would like to see the possessor of such a voice.  But for now we just listen for the swell of a sustained note to pass along the hallways of the musical learning.

Til next time