Quiet reflection

Laughable term really.

It's 4 days before more birthday, well let's say 3 1/2 days I was born in the afternoon.  I'm turning 29.  As I grow older, I find myself growing more and more anxious that I'm not living my life as I ought to be.  I'm not sure how life ought to be lived, because let's be honest, it's going to be different for everybody.

I once asked Leo if he would support me if I ever turned to a career singing.  He said yes, he thinks I'm a wonderful singer.  But in my head are a lot of self doubts.  I'm turning 29, one year off from 30, by this time most opera singers who have chosen this path as a career have already gotten a post graduate, or have auditioned for parts, or have travelled for festivals.  My age is making me doubt that this will ever happen.  And this makes me sad.  And that makes me feel that something has been missed.  

I know the saying: "Age is only a number" but I am nearly 1/3 of the way to 90, which best case, die of old age, is the age.  I've lived a good life, and am a good person.  I have wonderful family and friends who have stood by me and cheered me on, and if anything is lacking in my life, it's usually because of my own doing, or lack of doing.

I could choose to stop, to give it all up, give up dreaming of something that my mind is telling me is unattainable.  But for some reason, it hurts more than usual.  I used to listen to classical music and I would weep (I don't sob, I don't wail, I tear up, I grow misty eyed, and a little sniffly), I would feel so sad that I can think "that could be me, but it's not, because I'm actually not good enough"

Isn't that what it comes down to?  Whether or not you think you're good enough for what you want?  If you don't think you deserve it, how are you supposed to attain it?  It's not just going to magically appear for you, right?

I suppose I can keep telling myself the above.  I suppose that life is only as long or as short as we imagine it to be.  If measured in years, a life can be a very, all too short trip.  I suppose if I want it to, I can make my life into a song, each moment, notes along the staff.

Quiet reflection.

Quite a laughable term.  Nothing quiet about looking at your life and seeing where it's going.