the beginning

Ok so here's the deal:  I'll write about my venture into the wild and perhaps not so glamorous world of singing, but I make no promises that it'll be any bit enlightening.  It's mainly so that I may have a way of tracking my progress, that is if I even remember to do so.

My name is Samantha, and for the past few years I've embarked to discover a voice that I didn't know I even had.  I missed music.  Music for some strange ineffable reason has a strong hold on me.  It's not a terrible thing, just hard when finances aren't always there to help out with discovering music.  BUt maybe this isn't a beginning more a continuation of something that is just a part of me.

I started in the world of music when I was 10, my parents decided to get a piano, sign up my sister and I for piano lesson with my dad learning as well.  It was neat going every week learning things out of books one at a time, stealing books to maybe learn something that I wasn't given.  I'm not going to lie, I was curious about the sounds that came out of an instrument.  And I was good at it, I found something that gave me a reason to be.  Music never asked me to love it, but it was beautiful and charming and I found I could just be me with music.  Music is just me and the instrument, me and the notes, I could get lost and be fine.  It was about this time that I had actually starting to listen to other music.  With music I wasn't teased, I wasn't shunned, music gave me a safe harbour from a world that is far crueler than a child should ever know.  So that was the beginning of my life.  

I have dabbled with other instruments after the piano, even showing a knack for learning difficult instruments like the Violin/fiddle, the flute, the french horn.  I have even discovered things about my limitations as a person.  I have absolutely no sense of rhythm I'll start out alright and then my mind blanks and I will lose the beat and the count.  Still with that glaring set back I continue to experience music.

A couple of months back I had a surgery, not major surgery where I could die on the operating table, but it did provide me with a sense of perspective about me and my life.  The only thing that has ever held me back was fear of failing.  Even with music, my fear would become so great I would shake and panic and just overall begin shutting down, hence why I could never quite reach 80% on my piano exams despite knowing the songs and all that.  I tend to blame this process and fear on a lack of faith in myself.  I've come a long way in learning to trust myself, but till then I have constantly doubted who I was and what I have done.  It's a harsh life, but the truth all the same.  So after surgery I'm sitting around looking at the fantastic view outside my hospital window when it hit me:

I knew myself so well that I could tell when something wasn't right with my body, why couldn't that be the same with the things I love as well?  Music has always been my life, even after I had quit piano, I was always in Band, I had even gone back to piano because music had a siren's call on me.  Even after years of not really having music as a major role in my life (Go those four years of university, and post graduation lull!) I still looked to keep it in a part of me.  I worked at a music store, I even had the guts to try out for a "reality" singing show.  I had even decided to start taking lessons again.  This all led to my epiphany that the only thing outside the people in my life that has truly made me happy was music.  And singing is just making me happier.  So why not make that into my life.

I know it's not easy to be a singer in today's world.  Everyone wants to be famous, everyone wants to be the artist.  Well good for them, but that has not bearing on my decision to focus on music.  Yes, being recognised for my talents would be nice, and much appreciated, but music is for me, if others happen to enjoy it with me then they are more than welcomed to do so.  I will never stop them since, hey, I would like to make a living off it, so that suits me just fine.

My dilemma is how to approach a music life.  My singing teacher is helpful always ready with suggestions, got me signed up to do a music festival in February (slightly terrified), I practice more than I used to...My loved ones are supportive some more realistically so than others...ah well that's my goal and mission...mon raison d'etre so to speak...

Love

Samantha