November 18, 2009

Blah...I had a lesson today and I've been feeling like I've been running around.  It's hard working part time for a place that has weird hours, living with a boyfriend, and trying to fit in a moment practice.  These are the big things the little things inbetween like making sure I'm fed, and my cat is taken care of.

I am extremely hard on myself if a lesson doesn't go well (or well according to me).  I usually end up feeling bad, and wanting to cry.  So it was a very tough lesson for me.  My teacher is great, she's nice when she's trying to smooth out what's going wrong with my voice, instead of just beating it into my brain.  It's more guidance and advice than 'this is how you're supposed to do and if you can't do it then you fail.'  I'm pretty sure I'd be exaggerating that last bit on any score, but that's what my brain fills in.  

Why I fail at music is two fold:  I'm scared shitless about failing (sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy) and I'm mildly Type A.  If it's not perfect than it's useless (again my brain).  It's a long road getting to the point where my voice inside isn't so loud, and there are days I just want to be lazy say yeah you're right brain and give up.  Sometimes it's a real struggle.

So this is what my lesson gave me:  No matter how bad it feels like, it's probably not as bad as it could have been and I should just lighten up sometimes!